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P2060-002 Mastery book

IBM Mastery book

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chapter one

realizing men's Passages

understanding guys'S PASSAGESDISCOVERING the brand new MAP OF guys'S LIVESBy GAIL SHEEHYRANDOM residence, INC.

it's a guy thing

    It has traditionally been assumed that age is kinder to men than to women. My analysis over the past eight years has published a incredible reversal: many men 40 and over are having a more durable time today making a delightful passage into the 2d half of their lives than are most women. Why?

    ladies think pangs over losing their formative years.

    guys suppose dread.

    "it's the dread of dropping potency!" says my chum Fitzgerald. "or not it's imagining your self as an actor onstage who has misplaced his voice."

    There are some inevitable adjustments as we tramp the adventure of lifestyles. men usually hit them as they might a brick wall--after which can also fall aside. in the event that they knew what to expect in boost, it could support them to grasp those alterations and take advantage of them.

    The factor of this booklet is to support guys and their companions to outwit the inevitable adjustments forward. these days, peculiarly for men beneath 50, the timing of marker movements--completing faculty, first grown-up job, marriage, parenthood, empty nest, retirement, golden years--has became out to be unpredictable. What a person is supposed to do, and when, is not clear. it's both enjoyable and disorienting, like crusing for a new world but wondering if you will drop off the fringe of the historical one first. The maps and charts are all out-of-date. Any man who feels a bit misplaced is infrequently on my own.

    the 1st step is to be aware the passages that guys move through after age 40, and then to find, in the new map of men's lives, find out how to trip these new passages for your self with greater cognizance and a passport to renewal. Even on a field as threatening as "male menopause," the news is decent and getting more advantageous. it's gradually fitting recognized as a mindbody syndrome this is completely normal, frequent, treatable, and often reversible. Pharmaceutical businesses are racing to offer guys perpetual virility--through popping a tablet. As immediate and compelling as is the problem most men have with how their sexual performance may be plagued by getting older, there is plenty extra concerned in restoring vitality and virility than inserting more lead returned in the pencil. intellect-set matters at the least as an awful lot as bodily alterations. The complete gamut of causes and the extraordinary armamentarium for fighting male menopause are spelled out later in the publication.

    Why single out guys? it's no longer as radical a departure because it could look; I have been writing about the predictable and unpredictable changes of adult lifestyles for both sexes given that the publication of Passages in 1976. however after twenty years of probing the psyche and decoding the have an effect on of cultural shifts on each sexes, I faced a humbling admission:

    men do not take note women, however at the least they are aware of it. ladies do not consider men, however they do not realize it. Does right here talk sound at all prevalent?

    "what's wrong?"

    "Nothing."

    "Why may not you seek advice from me?"

    "What about?"

    "About why you seem to be so down."

    "i'm just tired."

    "however you just sit around gazing television. every so often, you could get the most tired from doing nothing."

    "i am now not doing nothing! There are things I must believe about."

    "It appears such as you've come to some extent on your existence where issues are altering for you. How does that make you feel?"

    "it's just some thing you have to go through."

    "i would want to assist. may not you confer with me about it?"

    "what is there to say?"

    "what is it you need out of lifestyles? just make up your intellect and be straight with me."

    "I have no idea what I desire."

    Most of us have had such conversations. i know I even have survived a number of of these trying-to-support-however-handiest-making-it-worse dialogues. The presumption among ladies is that they understand what's wrong with their men, and that they may fix it if most effective men would listen. but do many girls in reality be aware of what or not it's like for a person nowadays?

    Milton Glaser, a legendary graphic artist and a sensible and cherished chum, made this statement of the cultural lag between the genders: "girls are constructing a new belief device; a brand new approach of viewing lifestyles is coalescing. Most guys do not know what's occurring to them. They should not have any conception what to believe in. For loads of us, the values we grew up with had been subverted and adjusted. guys are astonished at this alternate; they have not formulated a response to it. or not it's a time when guys are very, very uncertain."

    guys may not equate trade with increase. generally talking, they associate trade with loss, giving up, being overtaken, failing. It isn't viewed as a favorable part of internal growth and the highway to a new form of vigor. specially within the first half of their lives, men are rewarded for placing blinders on and pursuing their slim profession course: lifestyles seems easy.

    "In my company life, i am at all times telling business leaders how essential it is to step back, study tendencies, see what the future may carry, and plan ahead for it," says a brand new York public family members man, "however in my own and career existence, overlook it." He expresses a male view as historic as time: "I simply hold relocating ahead in a sort of dumb-beast approach, seeing the next chance and throwing my spear at it, taking my lumps and hoping every little thing will determine for me. no matter if as men we are hardwired to consider that approach or it's the constant technique of socialization, we just do not like to change."

    You may additionally were speeding alongside the route you put to your twenties when, unexpectedly, the street turns bumpy. otherwise you hit a washed-out patch and cannot circulation ahead. Or the juice without difficulty drains out of your batteries. How do you recharge your self? trade gears? Who do you turn to for support?

    It has become a cliche to say that guys do not like to ask questions. undoubtedly, this is now not always proper. (My husband has stopped on the nearest fuel station to ask for instructions at least once.) however guys haven't been taught to ask questions on their sexual life cycle or their health or psychological smartly-being. They do not suppose they have the time or need for such consultations--until catastrophe strikes. reports show that guys make some distance fewer visits to medical doctors than ladies, and once they do go, they commonly do not ask any questions. under the silence and stoicism, besides the fact that children, most guys over forty feel that the taking part in box of existence is radically distinct from the world of their fathers.

    An economic revolution akin to the economic Revolution is pitting mature guys towards more youthful, desktop-savvy digerati. event may additionally now not count for as lots in marketplaces focused on the now. no longer simplest are new competencies demanded, for which several generations--older baby boomers, the "Silent generation," the world conflict II era--are not organized, however a special angle is required. The guidelines of the video game between enterprise and employee have changed. You used to be capable of count on the company father--the farseeing, benevolent giver of rewards and reprimands. Now the organisation is a digital father--amorphous, nonhierarchical--and you may under no circumstances be clear the place you stand.

    The floor of members of the family between men and women has also passed through an earthquake of alternate. men of the child-boom and earlier generations have been socialized, as boys, to anticipate a obviously prescribed role within the benign patriarchy portrayed in commonplace way of life by way of shows akin to Ozzie & Harriet and depart It to Beaver. As younger adults they had been thrown off balance, ridiculed by the ladies's circulation, and later dismissed through some academic activists as belonging to a continuum of "dead white guys." In middle life they discover themselves competing with a newly assured species of younger expert women. Add the force to stay youthful and reveal perpetual virility, and many of modern day men over 40 are in situation. If a man maintains playing via the old scoreboard and the ancient timetable, he's prone to strike out.

    in this local weather of uncertainty, a whole lot of men have talked to me candidly about all types of forbidden topics: their concerns about ageing, the ebbing of physical electricity and athletic prowess, their fears of dropping their jobs and their fathers, the which means crisis they face at the midpoint of their lives, their envy of empowered working better halves, their want to be nearer to their children earlier than they lose them, their preretirement anxieties, and the whole question of potency in all areas of their lives.

    possibly you never concept these questions would problem you. you have not ever idea about no longer being younger. a well-recognized entertainer turned into greatly surprised the primary time lie went through the supermarket line and he checkout girl looked right through him. still good-looking, even though his jawline is now somewhat softened, he is much less cocky and less confrontational; he appears to have calmed down and warmed up--qualities that would presumably enhance his powers of attraction. Yet once we talked, he may focus only on the poor facets of these adjustments: "You suppose separated from youth at the identical time you're feeling diminished in physical energy and stamina; you start being passed over by means of more youthful men; the sex is rarely as superb as it turned into; an amazing need to be younger again comes over you."

    when I ask men if they ever talk over these questions with their male friends, they nearly always shake their heads: "No."

    Why now not?

    "it be a man component."

    lots of the time they don't even discuss these matters with their other halves, who are sometimes preoccupied with their own midlife alterations. After a lecture in Pennsylvania, i used to be stopped by using an lively-looking lady with a booklet bag slung over her shoulder. I started returned to college in my late thirties," she observed. "i may celebrate my forty-2d birthday by means of getting my diploma as a clinical social worker. My husband stored complaining, 'you are altering. Why? i'm the identical man you married twenty years ago.' Bingo! it's the cause we're getting divorced."

    The husband probably thinks that remaining the same, and hiding his emotions and frustration, is being manly. He may additionally feel stuck, even trapped, by way of his financial duties. He expects himself to be the equal company, the equal aggressive competitor he all the time turned into, anticipating his physique to take punishment and burn fat and entice women the style it all the time did. but below the bravado he likely doesn't believe the identical thrill of the chase he did in his twenties. His entire identity is tied up with the repute he has accomplished to date. If he lets go even a bit, what else is there?

    He can't imagine the way to alternate. Why should still he?

    When girls in midlife go returned to college, delivery new careers, or depart stifling marriages, for the most half they're exhilarated. even though their income and status isn't as incredible as a person's, they derive more advantageous pride--because they all started with so a whole lot much less. The guys they leave behind are often resentful, even jealous, having doubtless helped to finance a former spouse's emergence into the repute of "being my own person" on the fee of their own revamping.

    Linear reasoning is probably going to steer a person to believe, "as soon as I obtain definite issues, then i could be chuffed." however is not best titles and fabric accomplishments that be counted. And when those external achievements fall to deliver which means and joyfulness on time table, men turn into pissed off. at a loss for words. angry. And ashamed to admit it.

    This male malaise has no identify. it's a gloomy continent. Most guys don't respect--or refuse to settle for--that they continue to move through diverse tiers all through their grownup lives. And few guys I actually have studied are even conscious that essential new passages still lie forward--after forty. These crossroads demand a full stop and a pause to seem to be inward. They current a man with a chance to stretch and growth, or to lock in and regress. it is fundamental to let go of a bit handle throughout these instances of passage in order that an historical shell can be sloughed off and house made for a yeasty, multidimensional "new self" to develop.

    Transitional durations are at all times unsettling, for anybody. however a scarcity of attention makes it extra likely that a person can also slide into melancholy and do all kinds of self-damaging things. extra regularly than no longer, guys are not even conscious of being depressed. They begin slipping down the cliff, inch by inch, while clutching frantically for the rest to cling on to or with ease numbing themselves to what feels like an inevitable descent down the returned aspect of lifestyles.

    This e-book gifts a brighter outlook, in keeping with analysis with modern day new men. it is men in center lifestyles who have the surest chance to turn into masters of their fate--stronger enthusiasts, improved fathers, more true to themselves and their personal values, freer to express their feelings and recreation their creativity, greater influential, more collaborative, more religious. They need only potential and a intellect open adequate to acquire it.

    but time is operating out! no longer very nearly as quickly as you feel. definitely, the center years are the stage of skills maximum well-being within the lives of suit knowledgeable people these days. You do not believe it? consider some facts:

ARE YOU prepared FOR an additional life?

We reside during the finest miracle 'within the historical past of our species--the doubling of lifestyles expectancy since the commercial Revolution. again when the united states changed into based, life expectancy at beginning stood at simplest about 35 years. by 1900, it reached 47 years. one of the vital outstanding traits of the 20 th century has been to stretch the existence cycle with the aid of a regular of thirty years--more than the entire received over five thousand years going back to the Bronze Age! yet another shock of first rate information on lifestyles expectancy looked 'in September 1997 'within the big apple instances:

In 1996 by myself, American men added six months to their lifeexpectancy and reached a new excessive.

    That was according to an analysis of U.S. a must have statistics through the facilities for disease manage. The average male life span is now seventy three years. it is additionally catching up with the female lifestyles span (now a normal of seventy nine), because the variety of AIDS deaths and the *incidence of heart ailment and cancer decline. Between now and the yr 2030, the proportion of people over age 65 will basically double. And this could be authentic, even sooner, far and wide Europe.

    first-rate, you might also say, but when a long existence span capability spending years with my bulb dimming and my body falling apart, neglect it. we all seem to be to our fathers and mothers as mirrors of our personal growing older. those are miscues in lots of methods. When our folks became 50, we concept they had been old. They idea they had been ancient. considering the fact that 1950, unimagined advances had been made in drugs; and, extra pertinent, public health education during the mass media has brought about profound alterations in own behavior. americans in center life today have a extremely diverse life profile from that of their parents, who were expected to turn off their intellectual engines of their fifties. They did not dream of operating marathons or gulping down hormones to retain them randy until their eighties.

    americans are maturing prior, physically, however taking longer to develop up emotionally, and much, a whole lot longer to grow ancient. For the center courses, formative years is now extended unless the end of the twenties. Our First maturity only starts off at about age 30. someplace around the midforties we enter an enormous passage into what used to be a somewhat staid, if now not stagnant, center age.

    Yet we appear to be more reluctant to develop up than ever before. Of the a whole bunch of men over forty whom I have interviewed, most accept as true with they're 5 to 10 years younger than that imposter whose photo in some way slipped inside their passports. nowadays the midpoint of adulthood is no longer necessarily 40--it's greater like 50.

Fifty is what forty was.

    when you are a man now in his thirties, forties, or early fifties, that you would be able to alter your lens on getting old. Beneficiaries of the increase in men's health, biotechnology, and brain research, you belong to a species extraordinary on the planet, a species whose existence span will mechanically prolong into your eighties and nineties. This means you ought to put together for the possibility of an additional lifestyles--beyond the traditional roles and tasks--since the years from 40 to eighty or ninety provide you an entire new enjoying field: what I call your "second adulthood."

    In 2nd adulthood you begin to gain knowledge of that fulfillment In lifestyles isn't in end result of the with ease racking up facets on a single scoreboard. fairly, there are a couple of distinct scoreboards--as son, mate, father, friend, colleague, mentor, group sensible man, benefactor. The vital innings of 2d maturity are neither played through the equal rules nor scored within the identical manner as a younger man's game. but most men are so focused on successful in the first half, they always omit the signals that can put together them with a successful strategy for center and later lifestyles.

    Gary Markovitz, as an example, changed into a good soldier. Having served in Vietnam and back to faculty to train as a technocrat, he had defined himself for seventeen years absolutely inside the context of his company. "When people requested me what i'm, i was an IBMer," he admits. "not Gary who worked at IBM, however an IBMer."

    with the aid of his midforties he started to wonder if his batteries have been wearing down, but it didn't occur to him to wonder what else he could take pleasure in doing. He heard about his enterprise's buyout present while on a business trip to San Francisco. at the start he had no hobby in it. however on the plane ride home he discovered himself considering a friend's latest funeral. the person had come up during the ranks at IBM with Gary and had unexpectedly passed far from melanoma.

    Gary found himself ticking off, finger through finger, simply how many individuals could be counted on to demonstrate up for his personal funeral. He didn't get very far. What cost did he have backyard IBM? He idea about his oldest son, who changed into already 25. before long, there can be a grandson sitting on his knee. blameless and adoring, the boy would ask him, "Grandpa, what did you do that supposed something?"

    I made cash.

    "It didn't pass the grandfather examine," Gary decided. "I may be doing more suitable things."

however i am no longer capable!

a man in his late forties in a Minneapolis viewers expressed a typical situation of men: "provide it to me straight. Do I have to lose vigor as I grow older?"

    On the opposite. The vigor of mind, rooted in adventure, handiest raises as we meet the predictable crises and accidents of life and discover our resilience. an entire new stage has unfolded within the core of lifestyles: the "Age of Mastery," a bonus stage from ages 45 to sixty five. The passage from First to second maturity and into the Age of Mastery definitely transforms the theory of vigor.

    baby boomers need a ebook to their core lifestyles. Theirs can be a manufacturer-new experience, full of surprises. 4 out of every ten American adults belong to the child-increase era, which, in keeping with my research with the united states. Census Bureau, should be divided into two subgenerations. The cutting edge may also be known as the "Vietnam technology" (born 1946-1955). here is President Bin Clinton and British major Minister Tony Blair's era, which they describe as being robust in beliefs but detached to the ancient ideologies. Boomers now in their early forties to early fifties got here of age anticipating that every thing would always get more suitable, and for most of them, it did. The spirit of the sixties fashioned their utopian consciousness, and vestiges of that spirit are nevertheless with them, tempered by way of the cynicism of the instances.

    The younger half of the boomers--the "Me generation"--got here of age in the Nineteen Seventies (born 1956-1965) and missed lots of the idealism of the Vietnam era, but concentrated more on own construction. They dreamed of reaching the completely balanced lifestyles and as a result proceed to postpone taking over most of the duties of full adulthood. but they're much more tolerant of egalitarian marriages, homosexual partnerships, single parenthood, and different social experiments. each halves of this dominant technology have always been particularly individualistic and consequently irreconcilably divided. but on one challenge they seem to be in total settlement:

Boomers do not accept center age.

    Boomer men don't see themselves as getting older. and they definitely do not assume any changes in their top sexual efficiency--it could take place to different guys, however no longer to me. Yet secret doubts lurk, and a single episode of slackened sexual ardor can carry the question: is this the starting of the dreaded falling off?

THE should KNOWAND THE fear OF realizing

In lectures based on my ultimate book, New Passages, one query is all the time sure to come up: "Is there a male menopause?"

    there's a need to grasp and an equally weighty fear of knowing. when I first grew to be aware about the phenomenon, the evidence from men became above all anecdotal. Six guys sitting around a midtown ny bar after work--virile sales managers and a success marketers--all of whom seem like backing up the hill from their midforties toward the awesome divide at 50. they have got a couple of drinks, and, within my earshot, one brassy boyo challenges the relaxation: "tell the fact. How time and again have you ever faked being asleep when your spouse receives into bed with a glow in her eyes)"

    each man laughs. Then a crevice falls open within the dialog. the person in the vigor tie who posed the question reaches out for a lifeline: "I suggest, doesn't that ensue to you guys?"

    bound, Mr. Winkle would not like to drink," yet another man says, chuckling. The leisure chime in, putting off the problem on overwork, stress, having just a few too many.

    but these occasional factors don't do much to illuminate the mystery of why so many men in center lifestyles steadily lose their vitality and virility. They see somewhat older chums exchange from being bullish, buoyant, and decisive into being down, depressed, listless, and lustless. They ask yourself: Will it turn up to me? Of direction, being guys, they refuse to discuss it. At most, the area is couched in jokes and jibes.

An older man is walking down the highway when he hears a frogtalking. The frog says, "if you decide on me up and kiss me, i may turninto a beautiful woman."

the man picks up the frog and places It Into his pocket.

"don't seem to be you going to kiss me?" the frog complains. "i could turn into a wonderful woman and you may have me all you desire."

"i would quite have a speakme frog in my pocket."

what's going on? Are we speaking effectively about growing older? sure, but also about a bigger problem to a man's view of himself--an identifiable phenomenon with actual, hormonal, psychological, and sociological components--that is now trendily referred to as "male menopause." "We don't yet have a time period for this five- to 12-12 months length of midlife in guys, however we realize it is shared by using both genders," acknowledges Dr. Eliot Sorel, president of the realm association for Social Psychiatry and clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at George Washington university faculty of medicine.

    It soon grew to become apparent to me that if menopause is the silent passage, male menopause is the unmentionable passage. It is only as basic because the ending of the fertile length of a girl's life, since it strikes on the core of what it's to be a man--the component a man has all the time counted on to convey him pleasure, the thing that has labored for him tons of of times, mindlessly, like a computer, by means of himself or with any number of companions, the supply of his fantasies, the sword of his dominance, the very root of his evolution as Homo sapiens--his youthful sexual power and efficiency.

    in the April 1993 subject of conceitedness reasonable, with Sharon Stone on the cowl stripped to the waist and cupping her naked breasts, my male editors allowed me to post one of the first full discussions of the field: "The Unspeakable Passage: Is There a Male Menopause?" Ever given that, guys and ladies had been talking privately to me about this difficulty with out a correct identify. Interviews with greater than a hundred guys between the a long time of forty and 70 about this subject published that the majority have been shunted from the urologist to the psychiatrist to the surgeon and ended up completely perplexed. I have additionally accompanied the work of some two dozen clinical specialists during this slim field who look at and deal with guys over forty affected by some diploma of sexual dysfunction *in mid- to later lifestyles. while the broader medical institution nevertheless by means of and big ducks the field, the mass media additionally remain cautious of touching the field, and that i found out why.

THE EIGHT-HUNDRED-POUND GORILLA

in the future within the fall of 1996 I received a call from a dynamic young producer on the serious CBS journal show forty eight Hours. Chuck Stevenson had study my work on male menopause and interviewed some scientific experts, and he wanted to put together a bit about men in center life in sexual crisis. Chuck became handiest forty one. a bit younger to be thinking about male menopause?

    "in fact, i'm finding the area captivating," he talked about. As he noticed it, "The precursor to men's midlife crisis is reduced sexual skill, which then triggers all these a variety of psychological feelings."

    i used to be delighted with Chuck's enlightened method. He and correspondent Erin Moriarty got here out to do the interview within the garden of my domestic in Berkeley, along with a three-man creation crew.

    For the interview, Chuck desired to the touch on "technical menopause--that small percentage of guys who in fact do not need the testosterone."

    What I in reality desired to discuss became no longer the small percent of men who're already so incapacitated they could are looking for surgical reduction My situation is the whole center latitude of guys who do not know what is average and who, when their sexual habits or efficiency adjustments, turn into so embarrassed or ashamed that they pull far from any intimacy. On camera, I described essentially the most general scenario:

The longer this difficulty continues to be unstated between a pair,the greater enormous it grows, unless there is an eight-hundred-poundgorilla within the bedroom. no person mentions it for sixmonths, two years, 5 years; meanwhile, the pair stopshugging, stops holding palms, stops touching altogether,strikes to separate beds, to separate rooms, and ultimatelyseparate lives. They develop into estranged in all styles of intimacybecause of this sexual shutdown.

When the shoot became over, I requested the producer how the piece can be titled and promoted. "that's going to be the toughest component for us," Chuck Stevenson admitted. "How will we make this phase flow with out scaring off guys? We can't say 'midlife crisis' or 'change of lifestyles.'" subsequently, the segment became titled "Undercover," which became inoffensive but meaningless. Nothing turned into left in about the eight-hundred-pound gorilla. Chuck stated that the piece didn't work. The rationale, he informed me with be apologetic about, become the huge sensitivity of senior network executives to letting us talk about impotence.

    but it surely turned into the reaction of the tv production crew that proved the most fascinating. commonly, a digital camera crew tunes out whereas filming and simply specializes in doing its job. whereas we mentioned the male menopause, these three men blanched and reddened, however they hung on to each word. After the taking pictures they stuck round to speak.

    i wished to hear about it," one of the cameramen stated candidly, "however I do not wish to focus on it."

    "It become hitting too close to domestic for me," admitted an extra crew member. He was in his forties and residing via divorce hell. She was the one who left. "What definitely needs to be said is the indisputable fact that when a man has a midlife sexual disaster, americans frequently say, 'or not it's all on your mind, snap out of it.'

    "nevertheless it's really part of the herbal course of activities," one of the most cameramen tried to reassure him.

    "it really is right," said his colleague. "i will be able to see now where you might get that rhinoceros for your bed room, or something you known as it-"

    "An eight-hundred-pound gorilla."

    "Yeah, and blocks might kind."

    "That made sense to me, too," noted the cameraman, "as a result of when conversation breaks down in a wedding, it be all gone." all of sudden his colleague had an Aha! moment--a type of little epiphanies that all at once throws a floodlight on what one's life is actually about.

    "it's what took place in our marriage! no person in reality talked about the gorilla. We just grew further and further apart. I do not feel love it was my fault. i was doing my obligation, doing what i was alleged to do. i was just waiting it out. She obtained tired of waiting, and it took place impulsively--the wedding fell aside."

    Doing one's duty and not speakme about the inner cave in of 1's entire thought of oneself is an all-too-regular "manly" stance at midlife. This publication is meant as a friendly guide out of such dead ends. No man may still squander his precious life "simply waiting it out." And as soon as he discovers the exciting new map of guys's lives, laid out here in facts in addition to many residing examples, he should still be lured to discover new continents of imagination and adventure not ever earlier than dreamt of through past generations.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------- (C) 1998 G. Merritt service provider All rights reserved. ISBN: 0-679-45273-7 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

CONTENTS

creator'S notice.......................................................XI ACKNOWLEDGMENTS....................................................XIX half I: WHAT DO men want? Chapter One or not it's a guy issue....................................3 Are You organized for an additional existence?...........................eight but i'm now not equipped!..........................................eleven The need to recognize and the concern of knowing....................13 The Eight-Hundred-Pound Gorilla.............................14 Chapter Two the new MAP OF grownup existence..........................17 The wife's Nightmare........................................20 What to Do with All This Leftover life?.....................22 part II: FLOURISHING FORTIES Chapter Three WHY DO I still think LIKE a kid?..................27 The conceitedness crisis...........................................29 A Flagrant Freedom..........................................32 the daddy-Son Midlife vigor battle.......................36 if you happen to Comin' home, Son?..................................37 The dead Father.............................................38 The Midlife Delinquent......................................41 Chapter four MANHOOD ON TRIAL..................................45 Yuppie taking part in catch-up.....................................forty six Banker "Excessed" at domestic...................................47 the sole Breadwinner's Insecurities.........................forty seven The Idealist's Angst........................................forty seven a hard Time to Be a man in His Forties......................50 Confronting the "False Self"................................52 Are You What You Smoke?.....................................53 "The big unimaginable"........................................55 The Reluctant Father........................................58 First Fatality Jitters......................................60 relocating Up the Mortality Markers.............................63 Honor among guys.............................................sixty four Manly activities: more than only a game.........................66 latest Manhood fashions......................................sixty nine Chapter five MARRIED AND MORTAL................................78 The Aha! second.............................................seventy eight The coronary heart of the depend.....................................eighty one The Stonewaller's protection...................................eighty five The obstacle with wives......................................88 half III: FEARLESS FIFTIES Chapter Six PASSAGE TO YOUR second maturity...................ninety five The Samson complex..........................................97 Mature Masculinity.........................................100 Former pro soccer star...................................102 Geezer in Graduate college..................................103 Globe-trotting Journalist Turns Gardener...................103 The Fearless Professor.....................................106 past vigour...............................................108 Barry Diller's search for Self.............................112 Prospero's Passage.........................................116 Welcome to the Age of impact............................118 Chapter Seven REDIRECT YOUR existence before THE HAMMER FALLS......121 The dark night of Joe O'Dell...............................122 damaging Defenses.......................................one hundred twenty five The Comeback of Joe O'Dell.................................127 they will under no circumstances fireplace Me......................................128 The Rebirth................................................131 The Window of probability..................................133 Midlife cash Realities....................................one hundred thirty five What may Spook John Wayne?...............................136 quit "i'm the massive Shot".................................137 building a crew............................................139 Opening the non secular Dimension............................141 locate Your passion and Pursue It............................one hundred forty four Chapter Eight LOVE AND warfare WITH better halves, FATHERS, babies......146 From Competing to Connecting...............................147 Gender Crossover: comfort or crisis?.......................149 teaching the instruct.........................................151 Withholding intercourse............................................one hundred fifty five The protection net wife........................................157 Making the Crossover Work..................................one hundred sixty brain-sex changes..........................................161 Mellowing Out..............................................162 Empty heart................................................163 Mr. mother....................................................164 Father starvation..............................................166 Letting Go of a transforming into Son................................167 what number of guys chums are you able to count number?........................169 The Nest Is Empty--Are You capable for Love in the Morning?...................................................172 half IV: WHO'S petrified of MALE MENOPAUSE? Chapter nine THE MALE SEXUAL life CYCLE.......................177 Magical Expectations.......................................178 The Male Sexual lifestyles Cycle.................................181 The Unspeakable Passage....................................185 guys Behaving Intelligently.................................189 intellect over Manliness........................................191 Chapter Ten secrets OF PERPETUAL VIRILITY.....................193 Would You somewhat Have Steak and a Smoke Than Be a Sexual Athlete?............................................194 Magic Bullets..............................................196 When Sunday-Afternoon football Is more advantageous Than intercourse..........198 Free Testosterone!.........................................200 DHEA: a man's master Hormone...............................202 Chemical Machismo..........................................202 Couples Work...............................................205 The Testimonial lady......................................209 Teaming up to find the right medication.....................210 half V: INFLUENTIAL SIXTIES Chapter Eleven PASSAGE TO THE AGE OF INTEGRITY................215 secrets of neatly-being within the Sixties.......................216 Imagining the Paul McCartney Retirement domestic...............219 don't Retire! Redirect!....................................220 searching on your Postcareer career.........................222 His and Her Retirement Fantasies...........................224 Chapter Twelve development VERSUS DESPAIR........................227 The Black Tempest..........................................229 do not again Up, extreme Tire hurt!.........................231 aid is not tough to Get....................................233 i am not Having a coronary heart attack!............................236 Absorbing the Blows of fate................................239 part VI: WHAT keeps a person younger? Chapter Thirteen UNCONVENTIONAL knowledge........................243 Do men must Die sooner than girls?.....................245 Unretired Champions........................................248 growing and Regenerating mind.............................251 spiritual starvation...........................................253 Love in the Twilight of existence...............................254 A Lusty winter.............................................255 APPENDICES APPENDIX A.....................................................259 coping with Job Loss.......................................259 thoughts for Surviving Job Loss in center existence...........260 elements: profession Counselors...............................261 APPENDIX B.....................................................263 supplies: Couples therapy.................................263 APPENDIX C.....................................................264 looking for a doctor/Male health medical institution...................264 substances: Physicians and Therapists for Sexual fitness issues..............................................265 APPENDIX D.....................................................267 Preretirement Couples exercises............................267 APPENDIX E.....................................................268 Warning signals of melancholy................................268 BIBLIOGRAPHY.......................................................269 INDEX..............................................................275

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